Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Letter to the mayor of Huntingdon, Quebec

Dear Mayor Gendron,

As your new writing coach, I'd like to help you with all your correspondence to the prime minister of Canada from now on. I think it will help you avoid looking daft and the antonym of erudite.

My dear and loving wife has warned me against this, as she believes the amount of work needed to fix your letters will sap all my strength at a time when it is needed to finish renovations on our home. But I believe my intervention will be worth it.
Dear Prime Minister Stephen Harper:

Considering the vote taken at the Human Rights Committee of the United Nations in Geneva and the position of Canada in regards of the genocide conducted by the Zionist Governement of Israel:
1. The organization is actually called the Human Rights Council, not the Human Rights Committee.

2. Genocide is usually defined in the following way: The systematic and planned extermination of an entire national, racial, political, or ethnic group. Given that Israel warns civilians by telephone and leaflet when they are planning on destroying a building, I think you might agree this is a terrible way to go about exterminating a people.

I'm not sure how you do genocide in Huntingdon, but in the rest of the world when an army wants to kill as many people as possible, they don't give warnings in advance.

3. I suppose you believe it is a clever turn-of-phrase to refer to Israel's government as the Zionist Government of Israel. Many neo-Nazi groups and like thinkers throw around the word "Zionist" as a kind of insult or code for a worldwide conspiracy among Jewish people to control the world. You should know, however, that Zionism is defined as "a modern political movement for reconstituting a Jewish national state." So, to call the government of Israel "Zionist" is actually quite accurate, albeit unnecessary.

4. You should use a spell-checker from now on. Government does not not need an "e" in the middle.

On behalf of my Administration:

You are a shame for Canada;
You are just disgusting;

5. I think there is a logical incongruity here. Is the prime minister "just disgusting" or a "shame for Canada"? The word "just" implies he is only that one thing and nothing else. Perhaps you might have said: "You are a foul man with flat hair and you wear glasses, which makes you a four-eyes."

You have no clue of History and Humanity;

6. I must insist that you refrain from capitalizing words that don't need it. Also, perhaps you might have written: "You don't understand the history of the Arab-Israeli conflict" or something more specific. Because I know for a fact that the prime minister is working on a book about the history of hockey. Do you still let kids play hockey in Huntingdon, or did you ban that activity too?

You are just a band-wagon follower of Israel, its racist Governement, and the dumb president Bush and the Republican Party;

7. I have seen the band-wagon for Israeli supporters and I must confess that it could use a good paint job. I've written letters to the Elders of Zion, but as of yet have not received a positive response on my request for funds.

I just re-read your text and, upon reflection, I don't think you were referring to a literal band wagon. You were using the phrase as a kind of metaphor.
I now fear I have said too much about the inner workings of the Elders of Zion. I would be thankful if you could forget about the last paragraph and keep this between us.

8. It might be going a bit far to refer to the government of Israel as racist. It is a country with two official languages (Hebrew and Arabic) and where is not illegal for a merchant to post a commercial sign in Arabic only (if he so desires). It is also a country where the hospitals treat all citizens of Israel, be they Christian, Jewish or Muslim. They also treat Palestinians who need treatment--even the hospital in Ashkelon that Hamas fires its rockets into.

9. Perhaps at this point it will be evident why you shouldn't refer to other people as dumb. Although it is pretty witty to refer to President Bush that way. I've never heard anyone say that before. You're the first. How clever you are. The people of Huntingdon are surely blessed.

Go and read some history books.

10. I cannot disagree with this. History books are a good way to learn about things. Perhaps next time you can share with the prime minister the names of some of the history books you have enjoyed. Or the names any books you have read. Or even which comic strips you like. (That Dilbert can be a riot sometimes! Why doesn't he just quit his job already! LOL!!!)

Your position do not represent the majority of Canadians and you have no mandate to encourage the criminals of the Government of Israel. You act like Chamberlain dealing with Hitler before World War II. Just a plain blind sinister person - You are.

11. I feel I must warn you against making historical comparisons to Neville Chamberlain, the British prime minister who allowed the Germans to annex Czechoslovakia in a futile effort to achieve a temporary and fleeting peace. History suggests
painfully that it is counter-productive to make territorial concessions to organizations that call for genocide against the Jewish people--which you must have noticed given your interest in genocide, Nazism and the Arab-Israeli conflict.

12. Also, I am a bit freaked out by your sentence structure. Weird bad writing - It is.

The Mayor of Huntingdon (Quebec),

Stephane Gendron
January 12th, 2008

Mayor Gendron, thank you for letting me be your writing coach in your future correspondence to the prime minister. In case it wasn't clear, the underlined text above are "hyperlinks" and allow one to click to get more information on the Internet.

Please be careful, however, as the Internet contains many websites that have white power or Islamist fundamentalist themes that fit in nicely with your view of the conflict.

Should you happen across one of these websites (by accident, let us assume) I trust you will make an effort to critically examine whether, for instance, women should in fact be stoned if they are unlucky enough to be raped and whether commemorating Hitler's birthday is the best use of one's day. (It's April 20, by the by, in case you feel inspired on that day to clear your schedule and write another letter to the prime minister.)


It has been a pleasure writing to you and I wish you a very happy and healthy 2009.
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